People have always been this way

With life’s various challenges and desires, joys and tragedies, there sometimes comes a feeling of discovery. It’s as if things are somehow different from us than they had been for the people who came before and not always in a good way.

Throughout my life, I’ve had times when I felt the sting of tragedy. I’ve also had many occasions when I felt like I’d somehow missed out on the social graces that seem to come naturally to so many others. I’ve had friends around me my whole life, but some part of me wonders if I’m really doomed to be socially challenged.

Then there are times like this, when I get a glimpse into the lives of others that provides more evidence of what I already knew, even if I can’t always accept it on an emotional level—insecurities are part of being human, just like enduring the pain of loss and questioning the world’s cruelty is part of life. This latest glimpse into the lives of others comes from one of the books I’m currently reading. It’s called Grant and Twain.

Grant and Twain is about the friendship that developed between one of the country’s greatest generals (who later served two terms as President) and one of its most renowned authors. In reading this, I came across the mention of the death of Twain’s young son from diphtheria. Following this death, Twain’s wife, Livy (short for Olivia), was, of course, crushed. She came from a very religious background, but, following this tragedy, she said, “I feel so often as if my path is to be lined with graves,” and added that she felt “almost perfectly cold toward God.” This followed Twain’s own somewhat dark view of life—these feelings actually brought her closer to her husband.

I also found it interesting that Grant, who was fearless in battle—he was known to stand his ground, completely in control, as his staff scattered in the middle of an artillery barrage—was shy and reserved. As a young man, he bore bullying in silence, and the clear picture of Grant as a young man was that of a reserved, quiet, rather insecure person. In the last years of his life, he was swindled by a business partner, showing a vulnerability and gullibility that might seem surprising. After all, this was a fearless general, one of the heroes of this nation’s bloodiest war—a man who, when one of his officers warned him of the prowess of the renowned Robert E. Lee and how the officer felt they were vulnerable, said, “Oh, I am heartily tired of hearing about what Lee is going to do. Some of you always seem to think he is suddenly going to turn a double somersault and land in our rear and on both our flanks at the same time. Go back to your command and try to think what we are going to do ourselves, instead of what Lee is going to do.”

There are more stories like this, with leading figures from both sides of the war, men known to be fearless and brilliant themselves, tipping their hats to the toughness and brilliance of this man. And yet Grant showed the same insecurities and weaknesses that we all have. As I learn more about these great Americans, I am learning more about myself. After all, if they had their issues and insecurities, who are any of us to worry about our own weaknesses? The goal should be to make the most of what we’ve been given and not worry so much about what might be missing. In the end, I suppose we’re doing better than we might think.