I'm slow to anger, but...

If I feel like I've been wronged, I can become rather difficult. When I'm dealing with lying scumbags, I can become downright unpleasant.

A few months after my grandmother died, I received a letter from an insurance company. This company apparently handled an annuity that had been paying my grandmother a big $55.01 a month for many years. They said that we might be entitled to a death benefit, and they would let us know if we would be so kind as to send them a certified death certificate. So I bought yet another certified one from the Town Clerk and sent it to them.

They then said that there was no death benefit, but oh, by the way, I needed to send them $55.01, because the last payment hit my grandmother's bank account a week or so after she died.

At first, I considered telling them to take a flying leap, but instead I opted to keep calm and just ignore them. So they sent another letter that I ignored, and, today, a third letter arrived. This last one threatened legal action if I didn't send them the money.

I'm a lawyer. Legal action doesn't scare me in the slightest. I used to try cases for a living. Even so, I felt that this letter demanded an appropriate response. So I called the person who sent the letter. I left a message...

Ms. Garcia, I’m calling about your letters regarding the estate of my grandmother. I’ve received your latest letter with the threat of legal action, so I wanted to get back to you.

Your first letter said that we may be entitled to money, and you said nothing about any money being owed to you. At your request, I spent money to obtain a death certificate and sent it to you.

I have paid any number of bills since my grandmother died, all larger than fifty-five dollars, but I will not reward your lies. So you cannot expect a payment. Feel free to refer this matter to your legal department. I assure you that I will cost you far more than $55 in legal fees.

I will do my best to see that your legal bills run well into the hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars before you see your $55.01. In fact, you’ll never even see that, since I’m sure the court will make you pay me for the death certificate fee. So feel free to send it to your legal counsel. There’s no need to wait ten days. I won’t be sending a payment. I'll be glad to have my attorneys tie this up in court for a nice, long time.

I'm really not surprised by this behavior. Insurance companies, although a necessary risk-spreading evil, are the scum of the earth. I have friends who work for insurance companies, and I sometimes think they must have trouble sleeping at night.

So this should be interesting. As they're a company (as opposed to a person), they can't file suit in Small Claims Court. They'll have to go to the main District Court. Their initial legal fees and the court's filing fees should cost them several times the $55. From there, I'll decide what I want to do. Maybe I'll make them appear in court a couple of times. If I can get away with it, maybe I'll demand a jury trial. I won't go through with it, as that would be a waste of the judicial system's resources, but it should put a good scare into their in-house hack shyster lawyers. :)