Monday, February 06, 2006

A tough day

Marc is helping me through the day. We’re both at work, but he’s e-mailing me and staying in touch. He knows I’m hurting a lot.

It happened two years ago today. Two years ago at this time of day, I got the call that it had happened. I knew the battle was lost and the end was inevitable. So the call came, and my Mom was gone. I was with her as much as I could be, but I wasn’t by her side at that very moment when she slipped from unconsciousness into death.

She died too young, another life lost to breast cancer. She was the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known. She was a great mother. I really couldn’t have wished for better. I don’t think anyone could have been better! Actually, as a child I thought all mothers were like my Mom. I didn’t realize then how very special she was.

I said to Marc that I feel like an egomaniac, because some of my greatest memories of her are from times when I had achieved something. Actually, it’s not my ego driving that; it’s her pride in me and my brothers. My greatest memories of my Mom (and my Dad) are from times when they were happy. They were happiest when they saw their kids doing well.

Everyone who knew my parents knew all about me and my brothers. They knew where we went to school, what we’d done, where we were working, and so on. They were so proud of us, and they weren’t shy about telling the world.

By the same token, we were proud of them. My parents were brilliant people. More importantly, they were compassionate, loving, caring and generous. They’d do anything for us. When they weren’t helping us, they were helping other people.

I could go on and on. I may yet. In the meantime, I’m at work and have to get back to it. Marc says my Mom can see me still and is happy and proud. I sure hope so. My eyes are filled with tears, and I still fill that sickening pain deep inside me. I miss her so much!

11 comments:

PatCH said...

*hugs*

Know that there are people out there thinking of you.

*hugs*

Lee said...

Ditto Patch's comment.

My mom discovered that she had breast cancer 3 years ago this March. Luckily, it's in remission right now but getting the news three years ago was very scary for all of us.

dantallion said...

How incredibly bittersweet. Please accept my warmest thoughts and wishes, as well as my thanks. You've done me a big favour today by posting this.

Tuna Girl said...

My dad has a saying: "It all makes sense when you see where it comes from." And clearly that is the case for you.

We're thinking of you today.

Mark Floyd-Thaut said...

It really is tough every year during the same time. Somehow, I purposely blocked out the exact day my Father died. I refuse to let anyone tell me of the actual day. But still, around that "time" of year, all the feelings come back.

Just remember that yes, she's with you at all times and hears every word you say to her. This I truly believe in more then anything.

It helped me.

Cincy Diva said...

I am sure Marc is right. She is still very proud of you. Let the good memories help you thru the day as well.

Hugs
Rikki Lee

Anonymous said...

My Mom once told me that after someone we are close to dies,are relashionship doesn't end, it just changes.She died two years ago.
I understand what she means now.
You will always have your Mothers bond through out the rest of your life ..you sound very proud of her...she was lucky to have you!
Thanks for sharing,
Tab

CoffeeDog said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
CoffeeDog said...

ok commenting when I first wake up is not a good idea. Anyhow...Jess, my heart goes out to you. It is evident that you loved your mother dearly and that is very touching. {{{HUGS}}}

Jess said...

Thanks, everyone. This kind of support really helps. In part, the wound hasn't had a chance to heal, because I'm still dealing with estate matters--I just think that hasn't let me really set aside her affairs and just mourn her. So the occasional reminders and bursts of tears are all the chance I've had.

I'll find my way through this, with the help of friends and loved ones. Thanks again, everyone.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure she new you loved her and thats what counts. It's hard to lose a loved one in your family, especially when you're so close so my thoughts are with you.

*hugs*